Between February-October 2017, unbeknownst to us at the time the stakes are raised in this duality, causing his anxiety to skyrocket and his depression to deepen. We realized the therapy he was receiving was barely scratching the surface. While maintaining good grades at school. He began to spiral: self-harming, using substances, and engaging in very dangerous behavior to ease the pain and intensity of his inner struggle. He was disappearing before our eyes, tortured and filled with self-loathing. Terrified and wrought with worry, we naively thought we could love and support him enough to rescue him from his desperate hell. We quickly realized, however, that we needed professional guidance.

After surviving a suicide attempt, we took him to an intensive residential therapeutic program in California. What began as six weeks max turned into 7 months as we transitioned Connor to a therapeutic boarding school in Asheville, North Carolina. While communication broke down between the three of us, a silver lining appeared, revealing a mentor and therapist who also happened to be gay men. While this time was filled with frustration in many ways for all of us, Connor began to accept who he was, allow healing to begin, and learn numerous coping techniques that would prove useful in the coming months and years.

We brought Connor home in June 2018, much to his siblings’ delight. Nervous but cautiously optimistic, Connor, Steve, and I moved forward with the help of a commitment to rebuild trust, adding a gay male therapist and a family therapist to our support team. An early Christmas gift of acceptance into NYU’s Tandon School of Engineering helped all of us move through those months gracefully.

As Connor's high school graduation day grew close, we once again found ourselves in crisis mode. This time we were much better armed with information and competent professionals.

His transition to college was like most freshmen, bumpy and not what he expected, with glimpses of positivity here and there. And, as with all things, Connor likes to learn from his own mistakes, and he likes to go big. Like life-threatening big. When Steve and I visited for parents’ weekend we knew he was struggling, and we made several great communication breakthroughs. Connor shares a ton about this time in our three-part podcast series, so take a listen if you are interested in the details. By the time he came home for the holidays in 2019, I knew he was turning a corner.

Even though Covid hit and he had to come home in March for five months. He continued to do the work, to figure out what lights his soul on fire and who he wants to be in this world. Honing in on his major and actually wanting to succeed academically was just one piece of his puzzle. It has been a truly beautiful process to witness, especially as his mom, and has been so close to every other experience!

I feel it is important to note here (although I will add more in greater detail on the mental health page). That the pandemic has pushed both of my daughters’ mental health struggles to the forefront. Between remote learning, isolation from friends, uncertainty, the loss of their beloved grandfather, and typical teenage development (mental, physical, and spiritual). They have both been hit hard.

Late summer and most of the fall has been spent trying to figure it out. How to best support them – with talk therapy, medication, and understanding and validation from us. It is not easy to be an adolescent, teenager, or young adult right now.

Even with all of this, though, I can say I am grateful. I know that sounds nuts, but I am. We have become closer and stronger as a family. We are all much more aware. We laugh a lot and authentically love each other – unconditionally.

Connor graduated in May 2023 with a degree in Integrated Digital Media from Tandon at NYU. Isabelle is loving her days at the University of Michigan as a mechanical engineering major. Gray is beginning her college decision journey with a dream of on-camera acting. And Rowan is thoroughly loving being an athletic, funny teen boy in a family that has created such a colorful environment for him!

It is lovely to recognize how much we have ALL grown since then. And celebrating it, messiness and all.