First, take a deep breath
Second, give your child a big hug
Third, leave your email below to get the Coming Out Checklist
Finally, know that you are not alone!
EMBRACE EDUCATE EMPOWER LOVE
For our CHILDREN, it's our heart's desire
For our STUDENTS, it's our passion
For our CO-WORKERS, it's our quest to better humanity
EPISODE 78:WHEN YOUR LGBTQIA+ LOVED ONE FACES NON-AFFIRMING FOLKS DURING THE HOLIDAYS
DISCOVER CHRYSALIS MAMA
Transforming the Conversation
Hi, my name is Heather Hester. Welcome to Chrysalis Mama.
Chrysalis Mama is the product of our family’s journey with depression, anxiety, and embracing our son, who, among many wonderful traits, is gay. It is my desire to pass on valuable information and offer support to those who are on a similar journey of loving and raising an LGBTQ+ child.
My mission is to transform the conversation around embracing, education, empowering, and loving LGBTQIA+ adolescents, teenagers, and young adults.
You may be asking – how do we change this conversation? I believe it starts within each one of us, blossoms within our families, and then grows within our communities and beyond. My principles are simple yet effective – To embrace, educate, empower, and love.
I am grateful for this opportunity to connect with parents, allies, advocates, and all who are, among all of their many wonderful traits, LGBTQ!
Nestled in this site you will find:
My award-winning podcast, Just Breathe: Parenting Your LGBTQ Teen
An in-depth blog
Resources, including a glossary and mental health support
Details on the keynote and workshop speaking I offer
Multiple other ways to connect and learn!
Covering topics ranging from mental health to all things LGBTQ+, the Chrysalis Mama blog is a space to learn, grow, and become empowered.
“ Advocate that your school establish zero-tolerance policies for LGBTQ+ bullying and harassment. Identify “safe spaces,”...” - Heather Hester
Being a teenager today is tough. Being a teenager who is LGBTQAI+ is exponentially more difficult. Think about what a typically developing teenager goes through on an average day - school (academic, social, and extracurricular stress), navigating social media, physical and mental changes, and so on. Now add potentially non-affirming family, friends, and teachers, as well as physical, psychological, and electronic bullying to the mix, and you have a day in the life of 52% of our LGBTQAI teenagers (according to a recent survey by Trevor Project).
There are many probable answers for “why,” with the most common being our LGBTQAI kids are seen as different. If reading that just triggered an angry mama bear response, it’s okay, you are not alone. And, like we all tell our kids, we cannot change another person’s response to a situation, but we can change our own. So let’s talk about what we can do to support our kids to prevent (and ultimately end) LGBTQAI bullying.
The statistics surrounding LGBTQ+ bullying paint a heartbreaking picture. According to Mental Health America and The Trevor Project, our LGBTQ+ teenagers are 2x as likely as their heterosexual peers to be called names, verbally harassed, physically assaulted, or conversely, be shunned and have friends suddenly ignore them because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. A closer look at these numbers shows 1 in 3 experience bullying in person, meaning anywhere, not just school, while 42% experience bullying online i.e social media and via text message.
Additionally, 65% of LGBTQ+ middle-school-age kids and 49% of high school-age kids reported being bullied. Within these numbers, 61% of transgender and nonbinary reported bullying compared to 45% of their cisgender LGBQ peers.
Facing harassment, threats, violence, and isolation on a daily basis affects our LGBTQ+ youth in multiple ways.
Regardless of whether the bullying is physical or psychological, the daily internalizing of these hateful messages is devastating to an LGBTQ+ adolescent’s self-esteem, causing it to plummet into self-loathing. Self-loathing spirals into depression and anxiety as well as other mental health issues. The pain can be fiercely intense causing behaviors such as substance use and abuse, self-harm, and suicidal ideation just to name a few.
The National School Climate Survey and studies from the Human Rights Campaign shows:
Gay teens in U.S. schools are often subjected to such intense bullying that they’re unable to receive an adequate education. LGBT youth identified bullying problems as the second most important problem in their lives, after non-accepting families, compared to non-LGBT youth identifying classes/exams/grades. 
LGBT youth who reported they were frequently harassed in school had lower grade point averages than students who were less often harassed. 
One survey revealed that more than one-third of gay respondents had missed an entire day of school in the past month because they felt unsafe there.
LGBT youth feel they have nowhere to turn. Sixty percent of LGBT students did not report incidents to school staff. One-third who reported an incident said the staff did nothing in response. 
LGBTQ+ youth are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Let that sink in. Bullying, hate speech, discrimination, and/or physical assault are so cruel, so unbearable that a child would rather stop living than exist one more day in their tortured environment.
Within the LGBTQ+ community, The Trevor Project found that 29 percent of LGBTQ+ middle school students who were bullied attempted suicide in the past year, compared to 12 percent who did not experience bullying. For high schoolers, 25 percent who were bullied attempted suicide, compared to 10 percent of those who did not report being bullied.
They also found that 32 percent of transgender and nonbinary young people who were bullied attempted suicide, compared to 14 percent who were not bullied. This compares to the 19 percent of cisgender LGBTQ young people who attempted suicide. About 7 percent of cisgender LGBTQ youth who were not bullied attempted suicide in the past year.
Not surprisingly, even with support and intervention, the effects of bullying on our LGBTQ+ kids can last decades. Studies performed in Finland, the UK, and the University of Arizona found that general depressive disorder, general and acute anxiety, and stress management are higher in LGBTQ+ adults who were bullied as adolescents. Knowing this information can help a mental health professional guide the healing process.
In an interview with Healthline, Amy Green, Ph.D., vice president of research for The Trevor Project, said “the creation of safe and supportive schools” is a critical next step in halting this growing problem for middle and high schoolers. So, what can we do to not only halt but reverse these high rates of bullying across the spectrum of American LGBTQ young people? Thankfully, there are tips and resources for helping both in the moment and for future prevention.
This is What You Can Do Right Now
Recognize signs of distress and be a listening ear or facilitate professional support. Listening, showing empathy, and helping them with a plan for safety are the three most important initial steps you can take.
Green asserts that “every young person deserves to feel safe and respected in school without fear of being bullied.” It’s a major quality of life issue that should be the norm. “When bullying does occur, it can be scary or embarrassing to ask for help,” she said. “Please know that you are not alone, and reaching out for help is a brave thing to do.”
Read more on Healthline
Advocate that your school establish zero-tolerance policies for LGBTQ+ bullying and harassment. Identify “safe spaces,” such as a counselor’s office, teacher’s classroom, etc. where an LGBTQ+ student can receive support.
Use inclusive language; do not make assumptions. Understanding and using both correct language and pronouns shows an LGBTQ+ person respect and that you want to support them. You will make mistakes, but it is better that you show curiosity and put forth the effort, than to stay silent and communicate disinterest.
Make sure LGBTQ+ youth have access to community-based providers who have experience providing health services, including medical, counseling, social, and psychological services as well as HIV/STI testing for LGBTQI+ youth.
Dr. Jack Turban, a chief fellow in child and adolescent psychiatry at Stanford University School of Medicine, recently said in an email to Healthline,
“One of the most effective ways to prevent mistreatment of minoritized people is through experiential learning: having students meet or watch videos about LGBTQ peers and their life experiences.”
Find out if your child’s school has a club that supports gay-straight alliances (GSAs). Students who attended schools with GSAs reported fewer homophobic remarks, more intervention from school personnel, and a greater sense of connectedness.
Encourage educators to be supportive and affirming. Share resources and education with them. LGBTQ+ students who report having six or more supportive staff members in their lives had higher GPAs. Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (GLSEN) is an incredible resource.
Build a health curriculum that includes education for all sexual orientations and genders, ie. STD/STI education, pregnancy prevention, safety, and body respect and positivity.
Find out what comprehensive bullying/harassment policies and laws are in place in your city and state. It is no surprise that there is a direct correlation between staff intervention and comprehensive bullying/harassment policies.
It is important that our LGBTQ+ youth know that they are not alone. Validate their experiences and connect them with positive resources.
Subscribe to my newsletter and podcast for in-depth information, educational conversations, and links to my favorite resources.
For a more personal experience and personalized support, contact me to learn more about my coaching services.
Get In Touch
LOVE THIS PODCAST!! 🙌🏼🌈
I was searching for resources to be the best supportive mom I could be to my pre-teen (now teen) and found this amazing podcast! It was just what I needed! I knew I needed some guidance from a parent who had experience through a similar journey and Heather was there with perfect content and even talked with me personally through email. The community Heather has built through this podcast and Facebook page has given me the confidence to not be fearful through this journey but rather to embrace it and encourage my teen to be their authentic self!
~ Lauren Bo21, Apple Podcast
I have loved and admired you and your family for over 30 years now. But the honor I have always felt to call you a friend truly quadrupled yesterday after listening to your podcasts. Every word was true and authentic, and real, and beautiful-even those that made me cry to the point where I had to pause for a bit before continuing.
I know the last few years have been pure hell. Yet somehow you, Steve, and your kids somehow managed to navigate it with grace, dignity, love, vulnerability, and acceptance. I am in awe of each of you...you are showing the world how beautiful life can be if we find a way to embrace it and breathe. Thanks to all of you for sharing your story and resources-it WILL make a difference for so many others.
~ S. Geidner
When I was Connor's age, I don't think Ellen DeGeneres was out yet. The world has changed so much since that time. I'm glad I'm alive to see it. I find myself cheering on parents like Heather who are willing to step out of their own comfort zone and reputations to stand by LGBTQ children and love us - out loud! This is such an important show [the podcast]. BIG LOVE for this courageous family in the Midwest! Yay YOU!
~ J. SluMac
Powerful, profound, so needed... What a breath of fresh air this show [the podcast] is. So many LGBTQ people, especially youth, struggle with the devastating impact of faith-based family rejection. Parents are searching for a better way. A way to love their LGBTQ child without compromising their faith. It takes opening what box you have God in - thank you for helping people do that! What a gift this podcast is!
~ R. Cottrell
I love your raw, real vulnerability. I am brand new on this journey and stumbled accidentally across your podcast on a road trip. I listened for 8 hours of driving and didn’t want to get to my destination because I wanted more. Using your own journey to help and support other parents is so brave and I am grateful to you and your family. Connor is so fortunate to have you ❤️
Your centered, calming voice and demeanor help me to feel more peaceful. I experience you as therapeutic & your journey gives me more hope that we can love [our son] well. Thank you for giving your life away to me through sharing your story and the guests you interview.
This podcast will help you feel safe - calm and loving
This podcast is truly something everyone needs in the coming out journey. Listen in for a reassuring dose of Heather's loving expertise!
~ CandyMot, Apple Podcasts
This podcast was unbelievably helpful. The frank discussion and honesty -completely helped me begin my journey with my son and I have shared this podcast with everyone in our family Truly look forward to more episodes.
~ Blueflip via Podchaser
Amazing!!! This is so incredibly well done and your thoughtful approach is undoubtedly helping tons of families. What you’re doing truly matters! Your son is lucky to have you and vice versa ;)! Thank you for sharing w us!
~ NickPe13, Apple Podcasts
Helped so much!! I have learned so much and feel so much less alone after listening! Thanks so much!!
~ TSwynacht, Apple Podcasts
Must-Listen! This podcast is a must-listen for those wanting to learn how to best help the LGBTQ teen or young adult in their life. Heather is a thoughtful host who offers great information and support. Such a great podcast with great information!
~ DrMMcNally, Apple Podcasts
Thank you. Exactly what this momma needed.
~ zbkai189, Apple Podcasts
Right on ... so needed. Heather is real, relatable, thoughtful, educated, and inclusive of every teen parent scenario in her talks. I love being able to hear first hand from someone who has gone through the “Valley of Darkness” and come out the other side a better person, informed, and able to help others right where they are.
~ MrsWeiselNMS, Apple Podcast
Eager to get into this. Thank you for clarifying that it's not just for parents. I think anyone involved in raising a child even if that's just part of an extended support community should have access to these resources.
~ Cameron Jones, Castbox
Attn Parents! Listen, absorb, learn, and breathe thru this podcast. So helpful us (child and parents) as we go thru this journey together.
~ Mom or them!, Apple Podcasts
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