Learn more about an updated version of Vivian Cass’ Identity Model.
This is an updated version of Vivian Cass’ Identity Model. She was the first professional to advocate for the LGBTQ+ community by recognizing the coming out process as developmental stages as opposed to a mental illness. While much has been learned since her original work, the stages remain very accurate and she, a pioneer.
The Coming Out Process
Stage 1: Identity / Orientation Confusion
- Shock / amazement / fear to realize gay / lesbian / bisexual thoughts, feelings, attractions, or recognition that their physical gender does not match their mental / emotional gender
- As they contemplate “who am I?” they go through rejection, denial, and acceptance – this is all internal work at this point.
Stage 2: Identity / Orientation Tolerance
- Start to wrap their head around the possibility
- Feelings of isolation and alienation are common
- They will wonder it it is just a phase
- They will look for an explanation.
Stage 3: Identity / Orientation Tolerance
- They begin to realize that they are not alone and they begin to seek an LGBTQ+ community or social group for support
- Some may come to terms with parts of their sexual orientation or gender identity but not fully embrace it leading them to live double life
- Self-loathing and shame are very common overall, but especially in this stage. Parent / Ally / Friend / Professional support is critical to work through their internal struggle.
Stage 4: Identity / Orientation Acceptance
- Here they begin to accept, not just tolerate
- They begin to form friendships with other LGBTQ+ people
- Realize they can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life -, “I will be okay”
- Begin coming out to those close to them.
Stage 5: Identity / Orientation Pride
- They begin to feel a sense of pride around their sexual orientation and / or gender identity
- Social / political viewpoints become us / them, LGBTQ+ /straight
- It is very common for anger to be experienced in this stage.
Stage 6: Identity / Orientation Synthesis
- Integrates sexual orientation and / or gender identity with all other aspects or self – recognizes it is one part of the whole
- Now they can move fluidly through their life without defining space as LGBTQ+ or straight.
© 2021 Chrysalis Mama www.chrysalismama.com hh@chrysalismama.com
Adapted from Vivian Cass (1979, 1984, 1990). In Ritter and Terndrup (2002) Handbook of Affirmative Psychotherapy with Lesbians and Gay Men
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I have loved and admired you and your family for over 30 years now, but the honor I have always felt to call you friend truly quadrupled yesterday after listening to your podcasts. Every word was true and authentic, and real, and beautiful-even those that made me cry to the point where I had to pause for a bit before continuing.
I know the last few years have been pure hell. Yet somehow you, Steve, and your kids somehow managed to navigate it with grace, dignity, love, vulnerability, and acceptance. I am in awe of each of you. Messiness sucks, but you are showing the world how beautiful life can be if we find a way to embrace it and breathe. Thanks to all of you for sharing your story and resources-it WILL make a difference for so many others.
S. Geidner
When I was Connor’s age, I don’t think Ellen DeGeneres was out yet. The world has changed so much since that time. I’m glad I’m alive to see it. I find myself cheering on parents like Heather who are willing to step out of their own comfort zone and reputations to stand by LGBTQ children and love us – out loud! This is such an important show [the podcast]. BIG LOVE for this courageous family in the Midwest! Yay YOU!
J. SluMac
Powerful, profound, so needed… What a breath of fresh air this show [the podcast] is. So many LGBTQ people, especially youth, struggle with the devastating impact of faith-based family rejection. Parents are searching for a better way. A way to love their LGBTQ child without compromising their faith. It takes opening what box you have God in – thank you for helping people do that! What a gift this podcast is!
R. Cottrell
I love your raw, real vulnerability. I am brand new on this journey and stumbled accidentally across your podcast on a road trip. I listened for 8 hours of driving and didn’t want to get to my destination because I wanted more. Using your own journey to help and support other parents is so brave and I am grateful to you and your family. Connor is so fortunate to have you ❤️
Anonymous
Your centered, calming voice and demeanor help me to feel more peaceful. I experience you as therapeutic & your journey gives me more hope that we can love [our son] well. Thank you for giving your life away to me through sharing your story and the guests you interview.
Anonymous
Powerful, profound. So needed. Thank you!!!
What a breathe of fresh air this show is. So many LGBTQ people, especially youth, struggle with the devastating impact of faith-based family rejection. Parents are searching for a better way – a way to love their LGBTQ child without compromising their faith. It takes opening whatever box you have God in – thank you for helping people do that! What a gift this Podcast is!!
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This podcast was unbelievably helpful. The frank discussion and honesty -completely helped me begin my journey with my son and I have shared this podcast with everyone in our family Truly look forward to more episodes.
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Amazing!!! This is so incredibly well done and your thoughtful approach is undoubtedly helping tons of families. What you’re doing truly matters! Your son is lucky to have you and vice versa ;)! Thank you for sharing w us!
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Thank you, thank you for this!! I learned so much!
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Helped so much!!
I have learned so much and feel so much less alone after listening! Thank so much!!
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Must-Listen!
This podcast is a must-listen for those wanting to learn how to best help the LGBTQ teen or young adult in their life. Heather is a thoughtful host who offers great information and support. Such a great podcast with great information!
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Thank you.
Exactly what this momma needed.
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Right on … so needed
Heather is real, relatable, thoughtful, educated, and inclusive of every teen parent scenario in her talks. I love being able to hear first hand from someone who has gone through the “Valley of Darkness” and come out the other side a better person, informed, and able to help others right where they are.
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Just breathe
Thank you for providing this valuable information.
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Attn Parents!
Listen, absorb, learn, and breathe thru this podcast. So helpful us (child and parents) as we go thru this journey together.
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